2004-09-16 | 4:33 p.m.
Ahhh. . . time for me to flex my fingers and crack my knuckles and do an update.

Because corporate life is fun!

Witness, people:

--LESSON ONE: TRAINING.

I am convinced that pointless training sessions are an integral part of our economy. They justify the salaries of dim HR people and they support local crappy sandwich shops with the necessary lunches that entice employees to participate.

In the time I have been here, I have been forced to sit through:

- a three-hour computer training (sample quote, "Click on the x in the upper right-hand corner to close the box.")

- a FOUR HOUR sexual harassment training (stupid boss joke, "So, they teachin' ya how to harass people? HAH!")

- COPIER TRAINING. Okay, in reality, I skipped copier training and then mocked it mercilessly. I mean, they said, "Everyone gather in the copy room and get your copier training!"

I'm not saying I'm necessarily a Xerox master or anything, but I have been known to go beyond your basic copy. I've managed to become competent at collating, stapling, and, yes, even resizing objects.

But, I have no need for this kind of time-wasting! (obviously, this baby would be updated far more often if I did.) People were actually gathered around the copier. With notepads. And PENCILS.

Interesting juxtaposition of technologies, but. . . I digress.

NEXT LESSON: (this is a life lesson in the corporate world) THE IMPORTANCE AND IMMINENCE OF POWER POINT

For some reason, PowerPoint is no longer just a method for projecting bullet points in really big type on a screen.

It is suddenly a matter of corporate competition and jockeying for status.

Where are your slides in the presentation?

How many slides do you have?

How fancy are your graphics?

These questions weigh heavy on the mind of the corporate drone. At one point, as i was organizing a meeting, my director (hereby known as Pabu, a name he has gifted himself, and which he throws around often as he refers to himself in third person in a FAUX INDIAN ACCENT and gives a little bow after meetings. This is a story for later.) Pabu had me switch around the order of slides, one of which sported a fancy graphic.

After, one of my colleagues took me aside to ask who's idea it was to switch around the slides.

I said, "Pabu."

He said, "I knew it!! I'd been saving that graphic for a long time for a really good powerpoint and he STOLE it!!"

Um, okay.

I ended up changing the graphic for him so he wouldn't have to give it up.

Okay, because I'm actually AT WORK and I HAVE WORK TO DO, I must go do it. I will give you more fascinating observations later.

Peace out, people.

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