2004-08-07 | 1:15 p.m.
Even though I had it in my head that this diary would kind of sort of end once the saga of the big corporate pr firm ended, I think it shall live.

At least today

Because now I have actually ventured into REAL corporate world -- which is a far cry from agency life, believe it or not.

It involves cafeterias and cake and safety videos and, as my new boss refers to it, "Corporate Ka Ka."

Nice.

Anyhow, where to begin?

Ah, new Associate (that's what we're called at the big glass microphone palace) orientation.

I was oriented along with two other brand spankin' new Associates -- Many Question Lady and Minister Man.

MQL was the first to arrive, and she introduced herself immediately in a perky manor unsuitable to the hour. She shook my hand and then informed me that she:

a. is the new "business liason between the IS and Finance department."

b. has thirteen years of accounting experience.

c. was laid off, along with 2000 other employees, when her big pharm employer closed their Chicago operations. Luckily, she got fourteen months severance, and that was back in February, and she's very happy to be employed now because she'll be able to use the money to pay for her daughter's college education.

We were joined by minister man, who was subsequently grilled by MQL. He thought his title was "something like, um, customer service associate?" and he's real excited.

So, anyway, then we were escorted to a conference room by a cheerful HR woman, who presented us with our gift from the company, a quite heinous logo'ed button-up shirt for the ladies and an equally despicable logo'ed polo for the gentleman.

Some highlights of the THREE HOUR orientation session (which did not include benefits, as the benefits lady called in sick).

First, we introduced ourselves, and MQL told us of her background in music and her many years of incredible experience in a sort of smug, self-satisfied, yet lap doggish way of hers.

Then, sweet minister man explained to us his customer service assistantship is following a gig at an auto parts shop. But, in his spare time, he's a minister at church, and he uses the company's products.

VIDEOS!

-The initial video was eerily reminiscent of that scene in Being John Malkovitch wherein John Cusack is watching the video history of the company he'll be working for -- it was a twenty-minute video history of the Glass-walled microphone company. Disappointingly, it involved no dramatic reinactments or midgets. It did, however, involve endless footage of musicians and great moments in history using the company's products. Which, I'll have to admit, was pretty cool.

-Then, we had our safety portion of the corporate film festival, consisting of two separate videos.

Both involved fires and explosions.

One of them focused on various ways chemicals can harm you, and featured

dramatic footage of people pretending to be burned with hydrochloric acid.

Then, it showed various harms that can come to you in an office setting,

including a man who was shown CUTTING HIS THUMB OFF in a paper cutter.

There was actually fake spurting blood and a dramatic shot of the fake blood

dripping and pooling on the paper cutter.

At this time, I could not help making a few smartass comments, which minister man nervously acknowledged and MQL rolled her eyes knowingly.

The second video was jungle themed. It compared the hazards of the office to

those of the jungle, including loose cords (animated snakes!) poor posture

(illustrated by a giraffe), and, in a particularly memorable scene, a man who

had made the poor choice to not lift with his knees was shown lying on a couch

with an animated baboon jumping on his back.

They suggested that you have a co-worker videotape you working at your computer

and then review the tape looking for ways to improve your posture.

I noticed, at this point, that minister man appeared to be nodding off in his plastic chair.

Then, the lights came back up, the perky HR lady came back in the room, and we began to go over a thick packet of boring boring blah blah blah, wait, what? where was I? Oh, yeah, we were going through packets and signing things.

This portion of the day was the point at which MQL earned her moniker. She was like that annoying kid in Jr. High you want to shoot for dragging out class -- also like that one adult student in all of your college classes that, as an eye-rolling 19-year-old, I could not stand. The one that was always trying just a little too hard.

Anyhoo, there were many questions I won't bore you with here (mostly because i don't remember), but the one moment that stands out is when we had to sign the sheet that says that any inventions you come up with on company time belong to the company. This is mostly a concern for inventive types, engineers and such, and less an issue for marketers like me, so I kinda droned through the two pages.

At any rate, MQL said, "Does this apply to music I compose?"

The HR lady actually wrote down the question to ask later, but I couldn't shut up -- I mean, at what point during the day does the business liason to blah blah IS CPA compose a quick dittie that the company will be snatching the rights to?

I said, "Will you be composing music on company time?"

She widened her eyes at me and said, "I hope not!"

Meanwhile, perky HR chick handed Minister Man a half-page sheet and explained that, at his level, he wasn't really expected to invent anything, so his form is condensed. Ouch.

Then, once we signed off on our intellectual property, HR chick handed MQL and I each one crisp dollar bill. She explained, "that's your bonus for reading that two-page document." Then she told minister man that he doesn't get a dollar because his page wasn't as long.

I'm not even kidding about this.

Huh. Anyway, when we were through, the HR lady called each of our supervisors down to fetch us. Then she gave us coupons for lunch in the cafeteria.

The rest of the day was quiet -- mostly setting up email, meeting people who's name I won't remember, etc.

We ended up eating out for lunch. My very pregnant and charmingly sardonic new boss picked up the tab and then we sat around for a good twenty more minutes just shooting the shit. This is a lovely contrast from the anxiety-ridden agency world where no one even thinks of going to lunch, and, generally, your boss is too busy on your first day to take you out.

I'm now going to listen to my four hundred dollar pair of free earphones on my ipod and smile about tomorrow.

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